Well, it's true, I declared over and over again that I am a true rebel, thus I write what I want and when I want to. however:
A. I have become addicted to popularity, and the increasing numbers of blog entries, especially when I write about homeschooling has become my favorite upper.
B. My inherent kindness forces me to acknowledge the many questions (number not to be published) that the issue of homeschooling is raising.
Those reasons give me no choice but to continue what I have started, though it is more than possible that my next blog-posts will discuss totally different issues. Discussing homeschooling while kids are tortured in Israeli intelligence forces' basements, or left in the middle of the night on roads some 10 miles away from their homes, people starving, hundreds of burned olive trees and our PM is looking into a new nationality law, feels somewhat like avoiding real life issues. Homeschooling is a privilege. like every privilege it derives of decisions, choices and concessions of the one hand but brings along freedom and a sense of satisfaction.
But the suspense is killing you (I don't mind if it's not true, play along) since I haven't shared with you the subject of today's post (drum roll, trumpets - my cue) - today is all about socializing. It seems like socializing and homeschooling is a big issue and for all the right reasons. I am often asked about it, since the main objection of people from the outside is this issue. I totally understand that, only I don't believe it is a truly valid argument. I often get remarks like "people should send their kids to school, at least for the social skills they get there". Let me start by saying that it saddens me since school is not all about socializing, it's main purpose is knowledge (I am not planning on talking about socialization for here in Israel it is mixed with indoctrination). Kids need to socialize, I'll give you that, they need other kids, they also need their peers for personal development as well as the development of their social skills and behavioral norms. The unsupervised interaction between peers is important, but does it really happen in school when even breaks are supervised - it does yet it takes new forms.
I'll start by saying that the issue of socializing is deep and vast and therefore I have to cut it short. I can't afford loosing you, so prepare yourself for just a taste (note to self - is a book in order?)
The more the merrier?
There is no doubt that the peer group in school is tenfold larger than in the homeschooling community. only it's not the point, the point is do they have enough kids to socialize with and the answer is yes, at least for me. I once heard a sentence, that still runs in my blood stream, from a kid who left school and started homeschooling: "you have company in school but friends you have at home".
As parents we emphasize our kids socialization process and for all the right reasons, this is their ticket to society. However, could it be that we're simply glorifying the social impact of school? Granted, there are many kids in school, but how many of them are true friends if at all? Do kids need the crowd or do they need friends? and what does it mean - need? and who is to say what is the exact number of friends a kid needs? I can give myself as an example (surprise, surprise) - as a child I was very popular, and had a good relationships with most of my classmates, but my tendency was always to be with my small group of good friends, already in elementary school and moreover as I grew up. Even today, as an adult, I tend to get along, but my friends' cycle is carefully limited by choice.
Surely, kids need to be with more kids, but do they need the full blown mass of kids found in schools? I'm skeptical. Obviously there are those who have no problem what so ever with that and they are like fish in the water, many will find their own niche of friends and some will go unnoticed and their number is larger than we care for. They are hurt, but most parents see it as an opportunity to grow, as for me I'm quite sure this is not the case. Struggling while feeling alone can cause a kid tons of pain with nothing to gain, it's not a socializing vaccine, but rather a very hurtful state of mind.
Meanwhile, back at the homeschooling zone - Usually home-schooled kids aren't lonely, surely there are "lonely rangers", but they can be found in any group of people, and I don't have the figures to back me up on this. Generally, home-schooled kids are raised in families that are fully aware to both the benefits and and the down sides of their choice. Thus, they do their very best to cut their loses short and therefore socializing is high on their priority list. I can only speak for myself, but I know that many homeschooling families do the same. This is the reason why homeschoolers go to morning gatherings, classes (usually given by a paid instructors or sometimes by one of the parents), workshops, excursions or one-on-one meetings with friends. Each one of my kids has a core of friends, more or less the same group age, that they see on a weekly basis and they are their peer group and of course their friends.
It's more than that, because they also have many opportunities for a multi-age activities, which is also very important. While in school, though there are divided to age groups, the interaction between them is very limited and usually it's not their initiative, but part of a sporadic decision of the school's staff. If you'll stop for a minute and think of your adult relationships, you'll notice that not all your friends are your age, simply because life doesn't work like that. As adults we are always interacting with people from different age groups and we most definitely do not choose our friends according to their year of birth.
In most schools, kids' interaction is birth-year oriented, so are the daily activities and even during their free time (i.e. breaks) they tend to interact with their class mates and so the age "compartmentalization" is a done deal. Need I state again that this is very unnatural to the human tendency of socializing? Multi-age is crucial to humans no matter how old they are, and moreover for kids - youngsters playing with older kids will imitate their behavior and learn "new tricks", older kids playing with younger tend to take responsibilities, learn to yield, practice patience and learn true leadership. When a kid has the opportunity to practice this vast spectrum of developmental stages his benefits are countless. and I said nothing about brotherhood (well, that's because I already wrote about it, alas it is not translated - excuse me for that).
Creating norms?
Yes, it's a well known fact that within the social fabric, norms are formed and transferred (behavioral, clothing, social codes, consumption principals, language and more), they are both positive and negative. Today in our global village, through TV, electronic devices and internet you can stay connected and even belong with out stepping outside your doorstep, but it's not the same now is it? I'm not so sure, but I'm ready to agree. Looking today at the Israeli reality inside the school and out, I see many norms which I simply can't favor, such as - over commercialism (and all those trends agents that locate social "leaders" or stand outside the school fence and hand out "freebies"); tendencies to be very judgmental, cursing (as a way to communicate), violence, social banishment, sex, sexuality, porn, drugs, alcohol. and all in long exposure. True, in many ways, most of the above were always there - part of the human behavior since forever, but they are far more problematic today due to our advanced technology, which has both positive and negative effects.
Meanwhile, back at the homeschooling zone - I will start with a personal example - my eldest suffered (past tense - yeah!) from a skin condition which made the skin on his hands peel. Not gonna talk about the pain and the true disability, but it also carried an aesthetic issue with it. The behavioral difference between his home-schooled friends and public school friends was unbelievable. While the first were never judgmental, always loving, caring, asking, and the latter were usually judgmental and sometimes resorted to out-casting him, yes as cruel as that. He was measured by the look of his hands, all was forgotten. The behavioral difference is almost unbelievable, since the two groups are similar in many aspects and the main difference is school vs. homeschooling, asking what might be the reason for this behavioral gap is somewhat rhetoric, or even redundant.
People around me usually explain that values and norms are rooted at home, which is true, but it also wrong. I know many kids that behave differently near their parents and when unsupervised. For years I have been told that kids are naturally not kind, and given "Lord of the flies" as the immediate evidence, well excuse me for not buying it. Kids are kind by nature, I see it in every kid I know that is not part of the public system. Sex, porn, drugs and alcohol are not only the system's fault, it is also because of the way we parent and the example we give (I know I've talked about it before). the fact that it also exists inside the system, are yet just another reason to raise my kids at home. I believe these are issues that kids need a gentle and wise exposure too, one that suits their age. Not taking these norms seriously and thinking that they are well protected from it since they know better is no solution.
Since this post is getting long, and I already promised a series of posts on homeschooling, I'll try and cut it short (well, shorter cause i can go on forever). I fear that as individuals we became accustomed with the form the school system shaped, though it is not the way we want it to be. We're trying to minimize the downsides and maximize the positive sides. I'm taking the liberty of using a cliche - it's a dissonance, and we are looking for ways to cooperate with it rather than saying no more - it's the easy way out.
Bottom line is that we need to create a change, change comes with awareness. school by itself isn't a bad idea, only it's application as we know it is wrong. Schools were designed to prepare our kids to be responsible, knowledgeable and productive citizens. Most of the parents (well here in Israel that is) agree that our system is failing miserably in the field of knowledge, skills and moral values, however they tend to agree that the social skills are taken care of. and to that I say "oh, really?" only I seem to perceived as a rebel.
What I do know is that as an adult, I choose my friends and I do not try out my social skills just for the challenge, our kids do not need to do it either, challenges are everywhere. Socializing is not a general thing it derives of character and personal preferences, and it's the same for adults as it is for kids. Our wish that our kids will be fine socializing with people they do not necessarily want to socialize with, isn't the point here, even if we just want them to be stronger.
Next time you feel like asking about socializing in homeschooling, think again about socializing in school and than tell me if this is the right way of teaching them what socialization is about. you already know that i came to the conclusion that it's not. Ever since my eldest was 12 months old, i was told that since he's with me all day he'll never socialize. Lo and behold, I must tell you that all three of my kids are friendly, connects freely, socializes wherever he is and not isolated, not for a minute.
Yes, socialization is very important, but is should be examined with care and thought. I'm not saying do not send your kids to school, not judging is not for a second. But I'm being judged, usually because of plain ignorance because people truly believe that homeschooling contradicts social aspects. I'm not sure the school system as we know it today is doing such a splendid job, I'm not sure that the socialization system really benefits our kids. sometimes we are so caught up in a concept that we forget the first rule - always second guess and be skeptical - examine carefully and choose wisely, but never just give in to the template. Templates are not made for humans...
But the suspense is killing you (I don't mind if it's not true, play along) since I haven't shared with you the subject of today's post (drum roll, trumpets - my cue) - today is all about socializing. It seems like socializing and homeschooling is a big issue and for all the right reasons. I am often asked about it, since the main objection of people from the outside is this issue. I totally understand that, only I don't believe it is a truly valid argument. I often get remarks like "people should send their kids to school, at least for the social skills they get there". Let me start by saying that it saddens me since school is not all about socializing, it's main purpose is knowledge (I am not planning on talking about socialization for here in Israel it is mixed with indoctrination). Kids need to socialize, I'll give you that, they need other kids, they also need their peers for personal development as well as the development of their social skills and behavioral norms. The unsupervised interaction between peers is important, but does it really happen in school when even breaks are supervised - it does yet it takes new forms.
I'll start by saying that the issue of socializing is deep and vast and therefore I have to cut it short. I can't afford loosing you, so prepare yourself for just a taste (note to self - is a book in order?)
The more the merrier?
There is no doubt that the peer group in school is tenfold larger than in the homeschooling community. only it's not the point, the point is do they have enough kids to socialize with and the answer is yes, at least for me. I once heard a sentence, that still runs in my blood stream, from a kid who left school and started homeschooling: "you have company in school but friends you have at home".
As parents we emphasize our kids socialization process and for all the right reasons, this is their ticket to society. However, could it be that we're simply glorifying the social impact of school? Granted, there are many kids in school, but how many of them are true friends if at all? Do kids need the crowd or do they need friends? and what does it mean - need? and who is to say what is the exact number of friends a kid needs? I can give myself as an example (surprise, surprise) - as a child I was very popular, and had a good relationships with most of my classmates, but my tendency was always to be with my small group of good friends, already in elementary school and moreover as I grew up. Even today, as an adult, I tend to get along, but my friends' cycle is carefully limited by choice.
Surely, kids need to be with more kids, but do they need the full blown mass of kids found in schools? I'm skeptical. Obviously there are those who have no problem what so ever with that and they are like fish in the water, many will find their own niche of friends and some will go unnoticed and their number is larger than we care for. They are hurt, but most parents see it as an opportunity to grow, as for me I'm quite sure this is not the case. Struggling while feeling alone can cause a kid tons of pain with nothing to gain, it's not a socializing vaccine, but rather a very hurtful state of mind.
Meanwhile, back at the homeschooling zone - Usually home-schooled kids aren't lonely, surely there are "lonely rangers", but they can be found in any group of people, and I don't have the figures to back me up on this. Generally, home-schooled kids are raised in families that are fully aware to both the benefits and and the down sides of their choice. Thus, they do their very best to cut their loses short and therefore socializing is high on their priority list. I can only speak for myself, but I know that many homeschooling families do the same. This is the reason why homeschoolers go to morning gatherings, classes (usually given by a paid instructors or sometimes by one of the parents), workshops, excursions or one-on-one meetings with friends. Each one of my kids has a core of friends, more or less the same group age, that they see on a weekly basis and they are their peer group and of course their friends.
It's more than that, because they also have many opportunities for a multi-age activities, which is also very important. While in school, though there are divided to age groups, the interaction between them is very limited and usually it's not their initiative, but part of a sporadic decision of the school's staff. If you'll stop for a minute and think of your adult relationships, you'll notice that not all your friends are your age, simply because life doesn't work like that. As adults we are always interacting with people from different age groups and we most definitely do not choose our friends according to their year of birth.
In most schools, kids' interaction is birth-year oriented, so are the daily activities and even during their free time (i.e. breaks) they tend to interact with their class mates and so the age "compartmentalization" is a done deal. Need I state again that this is very unnatural to the human tendency of socializing? Multi-age is crucial to humans no matter how old they are, and moreover for kids - youngsters playing with older kids will imitate their behavior and learn "new tricks", older kids playing with younger tend to take responsibilities, learn to yield, practice patience and learn true leadership. When a kid has the opportunity to practice this vast spectrum of developmental stages his benefits are countless. and I said nothing about brotherhood (well, that's because I already wrote about it, alas it is not translated - excuse me for that).
Creating norms?
Yes, it's a well known fact that within the social fabric, norms are formed and transferred (behavioral, clothing, social codes, consumption principals, language and more), they are both positive and negative. Today in our global village, through TV, electronic devices and internet you can stay connected and even belong with out stepping outside your doorstep, but it's not the same now is it? I'm not so sure, but I'm ready to agree. Looking today at the Israeli reality inside the school and out, I see many norms which I simply can't favor, such as - over commercialism (and all those trends agents that locate social "leaders" or stand outside the school fence and hand out "freebies"); tendencies to be very judgmental, cursing (as a way to communicate), violence, social banishment, sex, sexuality, porn, drugs, alcohol. and all in long exposure. True, in many ways, most of the above were always there - part of the human behavior since forever, but they are far more problematic today due to our advanced technology, which has both positive and negative effects.
Meanwhile, back at the homeschooling zone - I will start with a personal example - my eldest suffered (past tense - yeah!) from a skin condition which made the skin on his hands peel. Not gonna talk about the pain and the true disability, but it also carried an aesthetic issue with it. The behavioral difference between his home-schooled friends and public school friends was unbelievable. While the first were never judgmental, always loving, caring, asking, and the latter were usually judgmental and sometimes resorted to out-casting him, yes as cruel as that. He was measured by the look of his hands, all was forgotten. The behavioral difference is almost unbelievable, since the two groups are similar in many aspects and the main difference is school vs. homeschooling, asking what might be the reason for this behavioral gap is somewhat rhetoric, or even redundant.
People around me usually explain that values and norms are rooted at home, which is true, but it also wrong. I know many kids that behave differently near their parents and when unsupervised. For years I have been told that kids are naturally not kind, and given "Lord of the flies" as the immediate evidence, well excuse me for not buying it. Kids are kind by nature, I see it in every kid I know that is not part of the public system. Sex, porn, drugs and alcohol are not only the system's fault, it is also because of the way we parent and the example we give (I know I've talked about it before). the fact that it also exists inside the system, are yet just another reason to raise my kids at home. I believe these are issues that kids need a gentle and wise exposure too, one that suits their age. Not taking these norms seriously and thinking that they are well protected from it since they know better is no solution.
Since this post is getting long, and I already promised a series of posts on homeschooling, I'll try and cut it short (well, shorter cause i can go on forever). I fear that as individuals we became accustomed with the form the school system shaped, though it is not the way we want it to be. We're trying to minimize the downsides and maximize the positive sides. I'm taking the liberty of using a cliche - it's a dissonance, and we are looking for ways to cooperate with it rather than saying no more - it's the easy way out.
Bottom line is that we need to create a change, change comes with awareness. school by itself isn't a bad idea, only it's application as we know it is wrong. Schools were designed to prepare our kids to be responsible, knowledgeable and productive citizens. Most of the parents (well here in Israel that is) agree that our system is failing miserably in the field of knowledge, skills and moral values, however they tend to agree that the social skills are taken care of. and to that I say "oh, really?" only I seem to perceived as a rebel.
What I do know is that as an adult, I choose my friends and I do not try out my social skills just for the challenge, our kids do not need to do it either, challenges are everywhere. Socializing is not a general thing it derives of character and personal preferences, and it's the same for adults as it is for kids. Our wish that our kids will be fine socializing with people they do not necessarily want to socialize with, isn't the point here, even if we just want them to be stronger.
Next time you feel like asking about socializing in homeschooling, think again about socializing in school and than tell me if this is the right way of teaching them what socialization is about. you already know that i came to the conclusion that it's not. Ever since my eldest was 12 months old, i was told that since he's with me all day he'll never socialize. Lo and behold, I must tell you that all three of my kids are friendly, connects freely, socializes wherever he is and not isolated, not for a minute.
Yes, socialization is very important, but is should be examined with care and thought. I'm not saying do not send your kids to school, not judging is not for a second. But I'm being judged, usually because of plain ignorance because people truly believe that homeschooling contradicts social aspects. I'm not sure the school system as we know it today is doing such a splendid job, I'm not sure that the socialization system really benefits our kids. sometimes we are so caught up in a concept that we forget the first rule - always second guess and be skeptical - examine carefully and choose wisely, but never just give in to the template. Templates are not made for humans...
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