Recently I've been getting, yes even more than usual, sayings like "How do you do it?" or "I'd love to homeschool only I could never handle it" or "I'm loosing it when I'm with the kids, how can you be with them all day long?". Since it's not the first time I encounter sentences like these, the fact that I hear them all the time saddens me. I know I should just savor those compliments, however indirect, but instead they simply upset me and make me uncomfortable. I'll start by saying that I believe we are all qualified to be with our kids, it's just a matter of will and priorities. But this not turning into a manifest that calls all parents to leave everything and focus on homeschooling, since there are infinite ways to be a parent. These sentences bother me because what they really say is that in the limited time-frame in which we spend time with our kids, we don't really get along with them and the frictions are constant. It's a sad realization. The funny thing is, I find that homeschooling creates less disagreements - maybe not in numbers but in percentage - the number of arguments per hours spent together. Putting homeschooling aside and focusing on parenting - could it be that those inevitable arguments are actually avoidable?
there are many reasons for these arguments, they might be the result of the gap between what we want the kids to understand or do and what they actually do, or maybe it's the result of the limited time we spend together in which we want them to finish their tasks and all they really want is quality time of pure fun (I wrote more about it, alas again in Hebrew). Maybe it's because of our modern parenting, when most of the day we're not with our kids and rely on reports (of the kids themselves, teachers, care giver etc). We don't really know our kids, though we feel we do and we act upon a notion rather than knowledge. Don't dismiss it, since it might just as well be true. facing it requires self criticism, but it's not necessarily bad. Whatever may be the cause for those arguments, the arguments remain a fact and there are many ways to solve them. Like many problems with kids, the way to solve them is not through endless conversations with the kids or through correcting the kids themselves, the improvement is within ourselves.
We love to say that our kids are whole human beings and that we respect them - it sounds good, it really does, only lets see how many times we sin by not letting them speak their minds and by belittling them, without even noticing. I'm sure I just made you angry, but give me a sec - how many times do you find yourself say "That can't be the case", "You can't be insulted by that", "No way you're tired", "No way you're cold", "You're just saying", etc - bottom line, their feelings are NOT acknowledged. After enough practice, they'll learn the game and stop reviling their feelings and we'll feel that we're simply growing apart. So what's the problem? Basically it's all about communication. Because such behavior is not only dismissive and hurtful, it is also argumentative by nature. Just imagine that whenever you complain somebody will dismiss you - how hurtful and outrageous it must feel.The problem is we do not see it since we know we're right and we're sure of our good intentions (and no doubt they are). We examine our kids but not ourselves.
Raising kids is no walk in the park, though we all do it by the way. But kids are not a by the way thing. Think about it, we all want our kids to grow up and have all the right skills to play a role in society, we want them to be well educated, polite, organized, with the right set of morals, we kind of think that if we'll simply tell them, they will follow miraculously. Setting an example is very important, no doubt, only it's not enough. I feel that the right way to do it is through the way of good communication. We forget that kids view the world differently than we do. So what do we do? We nag and we demand, sometimes without explaining the reasons. Why? is usually the question they ask, and what do we say eventually "cause I said so" - what an enlightened ruler, or is it? I am not sure this is the way to teach or to get cooperation. I believe that if we'll stop our endless speech and learn to listen to our kids, we'll find a better way to cope. To except what they say does not mean to agree, but rather listen and understand in order to create maximum cooperation and thus lead them to the right behavior.
No, raising kids is most definitely not a walk in the park, many of us tend to complain and seem not too happy about it, of course when somebody dares to say it to our face we deny it immediately, but it doesn't make it less true. Many times we find ourselves frustrated since we are confident in our truth and while we expect them to follow, they act like kids and argue. But are they arguing just cause the're kids or is our behavior calling for arguments? It's often the little things - since we give them so many major things, we kind of want the "little things" front to stay clear, much like a token of appreciation. And when they fail to deliver, we fail to understand "we give you so much and ask for so little in return, why can't you do it right?"
I can think of many examples: A cold winter day, they have all the winter equipment they need, you hurry out and then you notice the kid is wearing a t-shirt and sandals (for real). What will most parents do? Get angry, obviously since we're running out of time and they should know better. Reprimanding time. Frustration took the lead. If we'll scorn them or preach while we force them to change it will only make things worse, certainly won't help - not the situation itself, not you nor the kids, and your relationship will not benefit either. Why? because usually the best way to learn from your mistakes is either to deal with the consequences or by provoking thought - "are you sure sandals are your best options when it rains? did you consider the puddles?" will work a hell of a lot better than "you realize that we're running late, what were you thinking? go and change we're already late because of you!" (oh the blame and shame). The latter gives us a legitimization to get angry and basically, without thinking, we belittle our kids, and it makes the whole situation worse. I mean - you are already late, what good would it do besides making you all feel bitter and for a longer period of time? the situation is already stressed, you can make it better or worse - choose wisely.
As parents, too much time is spent over arguments and being angry at our kids, while the kids are just being kids. They see things differently and we are coercing the adults' world on them in one stoke (as opposed to a gradual exposure) , and while it's filled with good intentions, it brings us no where. Think about it, as adults we hate decisive people, while as parents we tend to look at it as a requirement. However, anger and arguments tend to bring more anger and arguments. When this happens in a relationship (friendship, career, intimate relationship) we either address it or end it, but with our kids we make it a pattern. It's senseless and instead of stopping, we continue eventually something in this relationship is lost. It reminds me of "Don't let who you are stand in the way of what you can be" only updated to parenting. Constructing such a relationship with our kids, eventually will not keep them close as they grow up and it misses the point. Good intentions, like many things in life, is not enough to be a good parent - it's just a good start.
I can only speak for myself, but when I am uncomfortable I try to create a change. History taught me that arguments and and rebuke tend to produce anger and separation. As parents I believe this is not a valid option (I mean it's a possibility, and I have experienced it as a child), but basically parenting is infinite. We can choose the path of arguments, but we can also truly examine ourselves and find a way to change and correct. It's easy to stick to old habits, they tend to grow on you, I myself am not the type, I rather change. I believe the only way to make a difference is to examine our communication and gradually make a change, especially since our intentions are good. Parenting is never easy, but when things do not work we have to create the change in us or else we condemn ourselves to a life of banging our heads against the wall over and over again.
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