From shouting to words – personal schooling within homeschooling

It is a known fact that shouting or a sudden elevation of tones is bad for your vocal cords, it is self-harmful to us not just physically – say eye capillary bursts or hoarseness (which might be considered sexy, but I feel there are better ways to feel sexy), and emotionally, but it is also harmful to the ones around you. But moreover, it is scary. Scary on a personal level – that something like that can come out of you (though during my long years, I have seen many two-legged that have no problems with that, au contraire it’s a way of life for them); and it frightens whoever is around you. When it frightens your kids - the collateral damage is way beyond control. As a human being that tries to live her life in a “shout-less” atmosphere (to each his own, it’s a choice), the fact that if and when I shout it’s my kids in the recipient end is very disturbing. How can it be that encounters with people that yell leaves me quiet (yet disturbed) but still I find myself shouting on those who I protect  and love most, with no serious restrictions or inhibitions’ mechanism.    

It is far beyond the genuine need to be my kids’ role model, especially since as a homeschooler I am the main role model for my youngsters. Whenever I find myself angry and yelling, no matter how many justifications there are to a particular situation, I remain helpless long after. Angry at myself for so many reasons – for not overcoming, for the terrible example, for the lack of restraints, for yielding all other options and for the destructive shock wave that shouting tend to produce (partial list).

I already shared my experiences (however they were not translated to English – sorry) to end this disgraceful way of expression. It started with the realization that despite the fact that while I was restraint, patient and contained some 200 times, if by 201 I shout, nothing is learned of all the first 200 remarkable tries, my kids will remember the example given in the 201. It was a tossing and hurtful revelation that left me nearly helpless. Within this despair I realized I have found my nemesis and if indeed I enjoy challenges I have struck gold – the ultimate challenge of all. Thus I had no other way but to succeed fighting this great challenge.

The attempt to change the self falls in the category of believing it is never too late, that giving up is no option, plus it holds wonderful energies. For years I have heard the clashing clichés “I am a grown person, I will never change” on the one hand, and “A man always learns” (in various styles) on the other, until I was an adult I could never settle between the two. Actually, even as an adult I could not resolve the contradiction, but I decided to choose my path – to continue to learn, doubt and grow. As long as you are trying to be wholesome rather than whole, you keep learning and changing – I've got this feeling that I will remain a student forever. Of all my life experience I have grown and changed. Already in previous posts I have written that the process of self-enhancement and my most significant learning were mainly achieved during the years I am homeschooling my kids, a period mainly described by the people surrounding me as a waste of my talents. My choice of homeschooling is to me a great opportunity to learn and grow and this is the most important thing I teach my kids.  

The decision to exclude shouting isn't an easy one, especially since it has become somewhat of a norm in our society that “shouting is allowed since kids should know that their parents are not super heroes but human beings”. True. It’s more than OK that my kids will know that I am human rather than a super hero, but shouting won’t teach them that, shouting will only minimize them and me. Rather, the path I choose – not to shout, is a fascinating learning journey. When a random shout escaped me in times I was pushed to corners, my kids only panicked – they learned nothing but the fact that shouting is indeed another way of expression. I asked myself if this is a path I want my kids to take and the answer was loud and clear – NO.

My way of showing shouting the way out is through sharing, the process is long and tiring, but it shows my kids not only that I am only human, but that I am always learning, trying to improve and more than that – that I am not excepting things as they are although I can. I’ve decided not to hold my cards, but rather show them my hand. It begins with sharing – talk to them of my frustration over the fact that we (yes both me and them) shout, and it continues with an invitation to join me on this journey. They, of course, were happy to join my quest. In times when I felt a shout coming (from either side), I remembered to take a long deep breath and to stop. Sometimes I set in silent and only when all cleared I started talking. Explain, but not dig, measure my words and weigh them carefully, explaining that this path will lead to nowhere. Then we’d think together where this might lead and how far it is from where we want to go. I use open questions that sometimes don’t get immediate verbal answers.

It is not an easy process, but every day I see us all improve, in interactions between me and them and among themselves. I am celebrating 8 weeks of no shouting and like any other anonymous addict I am publicizing it to celebrate the achievement.

Words possess great powers, shouting has a destructive power – it takes out the power of the words and makes the shouting your objective and by that it misses the point. I am no Superwoman - I am totally human, with lots of cracks, bumps, defaults and scratches. My kids know that and they love me despite that, but moreover - they love me for that. They are my full partners in this path. Teaching them at home is not only about knowledge, values and life qualifications, it’s about being human beings that constantly learn, love themselves, improving themselves, paving their way, never giving up. It’s a constant struggle to learn, to polish not through self-flagellation or unnecessary yelling, but through thinking, setting your goals, goals that do not justify every mean but only those chosen wisely. And our every day goal is to strive and be a better people, who fulfill themselves and do not destroy, not ourselves and not others.