Parenting and Patience - a matter of communication

Recently I've been getting, yes even more than usual, sayings like "How do you do it?" or "I'd love to homeschool only I could never handle it" or "I'm loosing it when I'm with the kids, how can you be with them all day long?". Since it's not the first time I encounter sentences like these, the fact that I hear them all the time saddens me. I know I should just savor those compliments, however indirect, but instead they simply upset me and make me uncomfortable. I'll start by saying that I believe we are all qualified to be with our kids, it's just a matter of will and priorities. But this not turning into a manifest that calls all parents to leave everything and focus on homeschooling, since there are infinite ways to be a parent. These sentences bother me because what they really say is that  in the limited time-frame in which we spend time with our kids, we don't really get along with them and the frictions are constant. It's a sad realization. The funny thing is, I find that homeschooling creates less disagreements  - maybe not in numbers but in percentage - the number of arguments per hours spent together. Putting homeschooling aside and focusing on parenting - could it be that those inevitable arguments are actually avoidable?  

there are many reasons for these arguments, they might be the result of the gap between what we want the kids to understand or do and what they actually do, or maybe it's the result of the limited time we spend together in which we want them to finish their tasks and all they really want is quality time of pure fun (I wrote more about it, alas again in Hebrew). Maybe it's because of our modern parenting, when most of the day we're not with our kids and rely on reports (of the kids themselves, teachers, care giver etc). We don't really know our kids, though we feel we do and we act upon a notion rather than knowledge. Don't dismiss it, since it might just as well be true. facing it requires self criticism, but it's not necessarily bad. Whatever may be the cause for those arguments, the arguments remain a fact and there are many ways to solve them. Like many problems with kids, the way to solve them is not through endless conversations with the kids or through correcting the kids themselves, the improvement is within ourselves.  

We love to say that our kids are whole human beings and that we respect them - it sounds good, it really does, only lets see how many times we sin by not letting them speak their minds and by belittling them, without even noticing. I'm sure I just made you angry, but give me a sec - how many times do you find yourself say "That can't be the case", "You can't be insulted by that", "No way you're tired", "No way you're cold", "You're just saying", etc - bottom line, their feelings are NOT acknowledged. After enough practice, they'll learn the game and stop reviling their feelings and we'll feel that we're simply growing apart. So what's the problem? Basically it's all about communication. Because such behavior is not only dismissive and hurtful, it is also argumentative by nature. Just imagine that whenever you complain somebody will dismiss you - how hurtful and outrageous it must feel.The problem is we do not see it since we know we're right and we're sure of our good intentions (and no doubt they are). We examine our kids but not ourselves.

Raising kids is no walk in the park, though we all do it by the way. But kids are not a by the way thing. Think about it, we all want our kids to grow up and have all the right skills to play a role in society, we want them to be well educated, polite, organized, with the right set of morals, we kind of think that if we'll simply tell them, they will follow miraculously. Setting an example is very important, no doubt, only it's not enough. I feel that the right way to do it is through the way of good communication. We forget that kids view the world differently than we do. So what do we do? We nag and we demand, sometimes without explaining the reasons. Why? is usually the question they ask, and what do we say eventually "cause I said so" - what an enlightened ruler, or is it? I am not sure this is the way to teach or to get cooperation. I believe that if we'll stop our endless speech and learn to listen to our kids, we'll find a better way to cope. To except what they say does not mean to agree, but rather listen and understand in order to create maximum cooperation and thus lead them to the right behavior.

No, raising kids is most definitely not a walk in the park, many of us tend to complain and seem not too happy about it, of course when somebody dares to say it to our face we deny it immediately, but it doesn't make it less true. Many times we find ourselves frustrated since we are confident in our truth and while we expect them to follow, they act like kids and argue. But are they arguing just cause the're kids or is our behavior calling for arguments? It's often the little things - since we give them so many major things, we kind of want the "little things" front to stay clear, much like a token of appreciation. And when they fail to deliver, we fail to understand "we give you so much and ask for so little in return, why can't you do it right?"

I can think of many examples: A cold winter day, they have all the winter equipment they need, you hurry out and then you notice the kid is wearing a t-shirt and sandals (for real). What will most parents do? Get angry, obviously since we're running out of time and they should know better. Reprimanding time. Frustration took the lead. If we'll scorn them or preach while we force them to change it will only make things worse, certainly won't help - not the situation itself, not you nor the kids, and your relationship will not benefit either. Why? because usually the best way to learn from your mistakes is either to deal with the consequences or by provoking thought - "are you sure sandals are your best options when it rains? did you consider the puddles?" will work a hell of a lot better than "you realize that we're running late, what were you thinking? go and change we're already late because of you!" (oh the blame and shame). The latter gives us a legitimization to get angry and basically, without thinking, we belittle our kids, and it makes the whole situation worse. I mean - you are already late, what good would it do besides making you all feel bitter and for a longer period of time? the situation is already stressed, you can make it better or worse - choose wisely.  

As parents, too much time is spent over arguments and being angry at our kids, while the kids are just being kids. They see things differently and we are coercing the adults' world on them in one stoke (as opposed to a gradual exposure) , and while it's filled with good intentions, it brings us no where. Think about it, as adults we hate decisive people, while as parents we tend to look at it as a requirement. However, anger and arguments tend to bring more anger and arguments. When this happens in a relationship (friendship, career, intimate relationship) we either address it or end it, but with our kids we make it a pattern. It's senseless and instead of stopping, we continue eventually something in this relationship is lost. It reminds me of "Don't let who you are stand in the way of what you can be" only updated to parenting. Constructing such a relationship with our kids, eventually will not keep them close as they grow up and it misses the point. Good intentions, like many things in life, is not enough to be a good parent - it's just a good start.

I can only speak for myself, but when I am uncomfortable I try to create a change. History taught me that arguments and and rebuke tend to produce anger and separation. As parents I believe this is not a valid option (I mean it's a possibility, and I have experienced it as a child), but basically parenting is infinite. We can choose the path of arguments, but we can also truly examine ourselves and find a way to change and correct. It's easy to stick to old habits, they tend to grow on you, I myself am not the type, I rather change. I believe the only way to make a difference is to examine our communication and gradually make a change, especially since our intentions are good. Parenting is never easy, but when things do not work we have to create the change in us or else we condemn ourselves to a life of banging our heads against the wall over and over again.

Homeschooling and the social dilemma - not what you thought

Well, it's true, I declared over and over again that I am a true rebel, thus I write what I want and when I want to. however:

 A. I have become addicted to popularity, and the increasing numbers of blog entries, especially when I write about homeschooling has become my favorite upper.

B. My inherent kindness forces me to acknowledge the many questions (number not to be published) that the issue of homeschooling is raising.

Those reasons give me no choice but to continue what I have started, though it is more than possible that my next blog-posts will discuss totally different issues. Discussing homeschooling while kids are tortured in Israeli intelligence forces' basements, or left in the middle of the night on roads some 10 miles away from their homes, people starving, hundreds of burned olive trees and our PM is looking into a new nationality law, feels somewhat like avoiding real life issues. Homeschooling is a privilege. like every privilege it derives of decisions, choices and concessions of the one hand but brings along freedom and a sense of satisfaction.    

But the suspense is killing you (I don't mind if it's not true, play along) since I haven't shared with you the subject of today's post (drum roll, trumpets - my cue) - today is all about socializing. It seems like socializing and homeschooling is a big issue and for all the right reasons. I am often asked about it, since the main objection of people from the outside is this issue. I totally understand that, only I don't believe it is a truly valid argument. I often get remarks like "people should send their kids to school, at least for the social skills they get there". Let me start by saying that it saddens me since school is not all about socializing, it's main purpose is knowledge (I am not planning on talking about socialization for here in Israel it is mixed with indoctrination). Kids need to socialize, I'll give you that, they need other kids, they also need their peers for personal development as well as the development of their social skills and behavioral norms. The unsupervised interaction between peers is important, but does it really happen in school when even breaks are supervised - it does yet it takes new forms.  

I'll start by saying that the issue of socializing is deep and vast and therefore I have to cut it short. I can't afford loosing you, so prepare yourself for just a taste (note to self - is a book in order?)

The more the merrier? 
There is no doubt that the peer group in school is tenfold larger than in the homeschooling community. only it's not the point, the point is do they have enough kids to socialize with and the answer is yes, at least for me. I once heard a sentence, that still runs in my blood stream, from a kid who left school and started homeschooling: "you have company in school but friends you have at home". 

As parents we emphasize our kids socialization process and for all the right reasons, this is their ticket to society. However, could it be  that we're simply glorifying the social impact of school? Granted, there are many kids in school, but how many of them are true friends if at all? Do kids need the crowd or do they need friends? and what does it mean - need? and who is to say what is the exact number of friends a kid needs? I can give myself as an example (surprise, surprise) - as a child I was very popular, and had a good relationships with most of my classmates, but my tendency was always to be with my small group of good friends, already in elementary school and moreover as I grew up. Even today, as an adult, I tend to get along, but my friends' cycle is carefully limited by choice. 

Surely, kids need to be with more kids, but do they need the full blown mass of kids found in schools? I'm skeptical. Obviously there are those who have no problem what so ever with that and they are like fish in the water, many will find their own niche of friends and some will go unnoticed and  their number is larger than we care for. They are hurt, but most parents see it as an opportunity to grow, as for me I'm quite sure this is not the case. Struggling while feeling alone can cause a kid tons of pain with nothing to gain, it's not a socializing vaccine, but rather a very hurtful state of mind.   

Meanwhile, back at the homeschooling zone - Usually home-schooled  kids aren't lonely, surely there are "lonely rangers", but they can be found in any group of people, and I don't have the figures to back me up on this. Generally, home-schooled kids are raised in families that are fully aware to both the benefits and and the down sides of their choice. Thus, they do their very best to cut their loses short and therefore socializing is high on their priority list. I can only speak for myself, but I know that many homeschooling families do the same. This is the reason why homeschoolers go to morning gatherings, classes (usually given by a paid instructors or sometimes by one of the parents), workshops, excursions or one-on-one meetings with friends. Each one of my kids has a core of friends, more or less the same group age, that they see on a weekly basis and they are their peer group and of course their friends.  

It's more than that, because they also have many opportunities for a multi-age activities, which is also very important. While in school, though there are divided to age groups, the interaction between them is very limited and usually it's not their initiative, but part of a sporadic decision of the school's staff. If you'll stop for a minute and think of your adult relationships, you'll notice that not all your friends are your age, simply because life doesn't work like that. As adults we are always interacting with people from different age groups and we most definitely do not choose our friends according to their year of birth.  

In most schools, kids' interaction is birth-year oriented, so are the daily activities and even during their free time (i.e. breaks) they tend to interact with their class mates and so the age "compartmentalization" is a done deal. Need I state again that this is very unnatural to the human tendency of socializing? Multi-age is crucial to humans no matter how old they are, and moreover for kids - youngsters playing with older kids will imitate their behavior and learn "new tricks", older kids playing with younger tend to take responsibilities, learn to yield, practice patience and learn true leadership. When a kid has the opportunity to practice this vast spectrum of developmental stages his benefits are countless. and I said nothing about brotherhood (well, that's because I already wrote about it, alas it is not translated - excuse me for that).   

Creating norms?
Yes, it's a well known fact that within the social fabric, norms are formed and transferred (behavioral, clothing, social codes, consumption principals, language and more), they are both positive and negative. Today in our global village, through TV, electronic devices and internet you can stay connected and even belong with out stepping outside your doorstep, but it's not the same now is it? I'm not so sure, but I'm ready to agree. Looking today at the Israeli reality inside the school and out, I see many norms which I simply can't favor, such as - over commercialism (and all those trends agents that locate social "leaders" or stand outside the school fence and hand out "freebies"); tendencies to be very judgmental, cursing (as a way to communicate), violence, social banishment, sex, sexuality, porn, drugs, alcohol. and all in long exposure. True, in many ways, most of the above were always there - part of the human behavior since forever, but they are far more problematic today due to our advanced technology, which has both positive and negative effects.  

Meanwhile, back at the homeschooling zone - I will start with a personal example - my eldest suffered (past tense - yeah!) from a skin condition which made the skin on his hands peel. Not gonna talk about the pain and the true disability, but it also carried an aesthetic issue with it. The behavioral difference between his home-schooled friends and public school friends was unbelievable. While the first were never judgmental, always loving, caring, asking, and the latter were usually judgmental and sometimes resorted to out-casting him, yes as cruel as that. He was measured by the look of his hands, all was forgotten. The behavioral difference is almost unbelievable, since the two groups are similar in many aspects and the main difference is school vs. homeschooling, asking what might be the reason for this behavioral gap is somewhat rhetoric, or even redundant. 

People around me usually explain that values and norms are rooted at home, which is true, but it also wrong. I know many kids that behave differently near their parents and when unsupervised. For years I have been told that kids are naturally not kind, and given "Lord of the flies" as the immediate evidence, well excuse me for not buying it. Kids are kind by nature, I see it in every kid I know that is not part of the public system. Sex, porn, drugs and alcohol are not only the system's fault, it is also because of the way we parent and the example we give (I know I've talked about it before). the fact that it also exists inside the system, are yet just another reason to raise my kids at home. I believe these are issues that kids need a gentle and wise exposure too, one that suits their age. Not taking these norms seriously and thinking that they are well protected from it since they know better is no solution.  

Since this post is getting long, and I already promised a series of posts on homeschooling, I'll try and cut it short (well, shorter cause i can go on forever). I fear that as individuals we became accustomed with the form the school system shaped, though it is not the way we want it to be. We're trying to minimize the downsides and maximize the positive sides. I'm taking the liberty of using a cliche - it's a dissonance, and we are looking for ways to cooperate with it rather than saying no more - it's the easy way out.  

Bottom line is that we need to create a change, change comes with awareness. school by itself isn't a bad idea, only it's application as we know it is wrong. Schools were designed to prepare our kids to be responsible, knowledgeable and productive citizens. Most of the parents (well here in Israel that is) agree that our system is failing miserably in the field of knowledge, skills and moral values, however they tend to agree that the social skills are taken care of. and to that I say "oh, really?" only I seem to perceived as a rebel. 

What I do know is that as an adult, I choose my friends and I do not try out my social skills just for the challenge, our kids do not need to do it either, challenges are everywhere. Socializing is not a general thing it derives of character and personal preferences, and it's the same for adults as it is for kids. Our wish that our kids will be fine socializing with people they do not necessarily want to socialize with, isn't the point here, even if we just want them to be stronger.

Next time you feel like asking about socializing in homeschooling, think again about socializing in school and than tell me if this is the right way of teaching them what socialization is about. you already know that i came to the conclusion that it's not. Ever since my eldest was 12 months old, i was told that since he's with me all day he'll never socialize. Lo and behold, I must tell you that all three of my kids are friendly, connects freely, socializes wherever he is and not isolated, not for a minute.  

Yes, socialization is very important, but is should be examined with care and thought. I'm not saying do not send your kids to school, not judging is not for a second. But I'm being judged, usually because of plain ignorance because people truly believe that homeschooling contradicts social aspects. I'm not sure the school system as we know it today is doing such a splendid job, I'm not sure that the socialization system really benefits our kids. sometimes we are so caught up in a concept that we forget the first rule - always second guess and be skeptical - examine carefully and choose wisely, but never just give in to the template. Templates are not made for humans...   

From shouting to words – personal schooling within homeschooling

It is a known fact that shouting or a sudden elevation of tones is bad for your vocal cords, it is self-harmful to us not just physically – say eye capillary bursts or hoarseness (which might be considered sexy, but I feel there are better ways to feel sexy), and emotionally, but it is also harmful to the ones around you. But moreover, it is scary. Scary on a personal level – that something like that can come out of you (though during my long years, I have seen many two-legged that have no problems with that, au contraire it’s a way of life for them); and it frightens whoever is around you. When it frightens your kids - the collateral damage is way beyond control. As a human being that tries to live her life in a “shout-less” atmosphere (to each his own, it’s a choice), the fact that if and when I shout it’s my kids in the recipient end is very disturbing. How can it be that encounters with people that yell leaves me quiet (yet disturbed) but still I find myself shouting on those who I protect  and love most, with no serious restrictions or inhibitions’ mechanism.    

It is far beyond the genuine need to be my kids’ role model, especially since as a homeschooler I am the main role model for my youngsters. Whenever I find myself angry and yelling, no matter how many justifications there are to a particular situation, I remain helpless long after. Angry at myself for so many reasons – for not overcoming, for the terrible example, for the lack of restraints, for yielding all other options and for the destructive shock wave that shouting tend to produce (partial list).

I already shared my experiences (however they were not translated to English – sorry) to end this disgraceful way of expression. It started with the realization that despite the fact that while I was restraint, patient and contained some 200 times, if by 201 I shout, nothing is learned of all the first 200 remarkable tries, my kids will remember the example given in the 201. It was a tossing and hurtful revelation that left me nearly helpless. Within this despair I realized I have found my nemesis and if indeed I enjoy challenges I have struck gold – the ultimate challenge of all. Thus I had no other way but to succeed fighting this great challenge.

The attempt to change the self falls in the category of believing it is never too late, that giving up is no option, plus it holds wonderful energies. For years I have heard the clashing clichés “I am a grown person, I will never change” on the one hand, and “A man always learns” (in various styles) on the other, until I was an adult I could never settle between the two. Actually, even as an adult I could not resolve the contradiction, but I decided to choose my path – to continue to learn, doubt and grow. As long as you are trying to be wholesome rather than whole, you keep learning and changing – I've got this feeling that I will remain a student forever. Of all my life experience I have grown and changed. Already in previous posts I have written that the process of self-enhancement and my most significant learning were mainly achieved during the years I am homeschooling my kids, a period mainly described by the people surrounding me as a waste of my talents. My choice of homeschooling is to me a great opportunity to learn and grow and this is the most important thing I teach my kids.  

The decision to exclude shouting isn't an easy one, especially since it has become somewhat of a norm in our society that “shouting is allowed since kids should know that their parents are not super heroes but human beings”. True. It’s more than OK that my kids will know that I am human rather than a super hero, but shouting won’t teach them that, shouting will only minimize them and me. Rather, the path I choose – not to shout, is a fascinating learning journey. When a random shout escaped me in times I was pushed to corners, my kids only panicked – they learned nothing but the fact that shouting is indeed another way of expression. I asked myself if this is a path I want my kids to take and the answer was loud and clear – NO.

My way of showing shouting the way out is through sharing, the process is long and tiring, but it shows my kids not only that I am only human, but that I am always learning, trying to improve and more than that – that I am not excepting things as they are although I can. I’ve decided not to hold my cards, but rather show them my hand. It begins with sharing – talk to them of my frustration over the fact that we (yes both me and them) shout, and it continues with an invitation to join me on this journey. They, of course, were happy to join my quest. In times when I felt a shout coming (from either side), I remembered to take a long deep breath and to stop. Sometimes I set in silent and only when all cleared I started talking. Explain, but not dig, measure my words and weigh them carefully, explaining that this path will lead to nowhere. Then we’d think together where this might lead and how far it is from where we want to go. I use open questions that sometimes don’t get immediate verbal answers.

It is not an easy process, but every day I see us all improve, in interactions between me and them and among themselves. I am celebrating 8 weeks of no shouting and like any other anonymous addict I am publicizing it to celebrate the achievement.

Words possess great powers, shouting has a destructive power – it takes out the power of the words and makes the shouting your objective and by that it misses the point. I am no Superwoman - I am totally human, with lots of cracks, bumps, defaults and scratches. My kids know that and they love me despite that, but moreover - they love me for that. They are my full partners in this path. Teaching them at home is not only about knowledge, values and life qualifications, it’s about being human beings that constantly learn, love themselves, improving themselves, paving their way, never giving up. It’s a constant struggle to learn, to polish not through self-flagellation or unnecessary yelling, but through thinking, setting your goals, goals that do not justify every mean but only those chosen wisely. And our every day goal is to strive and be a better people, who fulfill themselves and do not destroy, not ourselves and not others.